A Poem about Grand Designs
Michael and Sharon,
Two teachers from Devon
Want a house in the country
Their own personal heaven
-
Will they build a dwelling
Of which to be proud?
Let’s find out together,
I’m Kevin McCloud
. . .
So Michael do tell me,
If you’d be so kind,
What ingenious features
Make grand this design?
-
“Oh Kevin just you wait,
You’ll be so impressed
By my boldness of vision.
It’s what I do best”
-
“The frame of the house
Is an arch parabolic
With a sloping grass roof
Where our dogs can frolic”
-
“So lovely 😊,” said Sharon
To make our first home,
In the largest freestanding arch
Since the fall of Rome”
-
“You might think the bills
To be equally massive,
But the heating is actually
Entirely passive”
-
“And the feature that brings me
The most joy of all
Are the 20 foot windows
Comprising each wall”
-
If those keep the heat in
I’ll be amazed!
“Oh don’t worry Kevin,
They’re triple glazed!”
. . .
Two years have passed now
And I join them on site
In my trusty old hard hat
And hi-vis so bright
-
Sadly poor Michael’s
Just started his mission
“...Spent a year waiting for
bloody planning permission”
-
“Now the season’s are turning,
The frame’s up alright,
But they’ve started the inside
While it’s not weathertight!”
-
“The delay’s been the windows
Of which there are two
The producer’s been struggling
(they’re the biggest they do!)”
. . .
I’m back on the site,
After three week’s delay,
The windows at last
Have arrived just today
-
“They’re craning it dow-
BE CAREFUL JUST NUDGE IT,
YOU’RE HOLDING A QUARTER
OF MY BLOODY BUDGET”
-
“We’ll be safe from the weather
Once they get that pane in
And then after tha-
OH IS IT FUCKING RAINING?”
-
Poor Mikey here’s had
More than his share of strife,
And to make matters worse
I’m fucking his wife
-
Let’s return to the couple
When we’re out of this weather
And see if they’ve managed
To bring it together
. . .
So Michael, Sharon
A year since we spoke,
Did you bring it together
Without going broke?
-
“Well Kevin” said Michael
“You know well as I,
That we had a few hiccups
Sent down from on high”
-
“Yes” started Sharon,
A little bit nervous
“As a home it is still not quite
Ready to serve us”
-
“Exposed wires in the bathroom,
And the roof that collapsed”
“And the bees in the kitchen”
“Oh yes there was that”
-
“On the plus side” said Michael
“We’d a gift in our stocking”
(The camera pans down
To the baby she’s rocking)
-
“The news she was pregnant
I couldn’t believe!”
“yes,, the doctor told michael
he couldn’t conceive”
-
“Sadly,” he went on
“Though we tried our best,
We’ve decided to separate”
“Just due to the stress!”
-
So it seems like this project
Had its share of pain
Tell me, be honest,
Would you do it again?
-
“Kevin, although the roof
did fall down it’s true,
And we went over budget-”
And your wife did leave you
-
“There’s no part of the journey
I’d change if I could.
I gave it my all
But it came to no good”
-
“I hope that my gravestone,
Once we all have died,
Reads: here lies Michael,
A man who tried.”